Sunday, 13 May 2012

What I've noticed and a review

I am sorry for the current quality of posts, folks. I know this. I cringe every time I read what I've written, and the only thing I can do to change things is delete, delete, delete. I just don't have the kind of motivation or inspiration to write anything anywhere near as, well, moderately not shit (generous) as I used to. But I'm still writing, because I can't let my writing muscles atrophy. I need to, at some point in the far-off future, write a book, and that's going to require a lot more than I have now.

Also I've noticed that depersonalisation/anhedonia (I'm not sure which, but pretty sure it's the depersonalisation) nullifies the effects of a lot of drugs. I used to get slight bursts of euphoria when I drank a lot of caffeine. No more. But today, I actually intellectually could describe myself as being euphoric but could not in anyway benefit or emotionally feel that euphoria. All I could do was physically find myself lightheaded and inclined to lie down, but with none of the lovely "screw the world, I'm going home to death" feelings I normally get when I'm in such a state. That's pretty weird. And also saddening.

Another thing I've noticed: don't scare yourself if you have severe depersonalisation. In my experience, that makes it a lot worse. Don't watch things you know will scare you, or play horror video games. It sent me from recovering slightly (almost) from DP/DR to straight back in the deep end. I can't stress enough how important this is for anyone suffering - I've heard of others who still watch horror movies and are fine, but just to be on the safe side, I'd suggest not doing it until you recover. Depersonalisation is supposedly the mind's mechanism to recover from some event that has triggered a large amount of stress - such as say, child abuse*, or a near-death experience. I'm inclined to believe that if you suffer more stress, it's only going to exacerbate the symptoms.

I might bring back the review side of things, simply because I don't really have much to say. I can't write anything except my scattered thoughts, and what my thoughts are mainly about is escapism, so might as well run with that. Just finished the Forever War, which was pretty messed up. Loved the sense of hopelessness - it's pretty much implied the protagonist would rather die than go back to Earth several decades into the future, as going back to war entails death. In fact, the overarching kind of despair combined with the atrocities of the army make this book something I quite 'enjoyed' reading, if you know what I mean (anhedonia - if you don't). Despite being told from the first person, you don't really learn much about the protagonist, except that he's a semi-homophobe (and not knowing anything about him REALLY sucks, making the book not the greatest in my opinion). The author isn't, pretty much, so it's not like this gets annoying in the book - I'll not spoil WHY the author probably isn't a homophobe, but you'll find out for yourself eventually. So it's a good book, but just shy of being a great book to me because the characterisation is a tad bad**, and also because the ending is a bit rushed.

*I'm pretty sure in my case it was bullying
**I am saying this because I like this book and am hence biased. Why it is not a great book to me is because the characterisation pretty much didn't seem to be there at all. Maybe I'm not reading between the lines enough, but every character apart from the two mutually violent lovers seemed to have the same cardboard cut-out personality.

1 comment:

  1. >I need to, at some point in the far-off future, write a book

    Cool! May I ask what it will be about? A novel? Philosophical essays? Gary decided on writing a book as well:


    "chapter headings


    DNA done it

    unintelligent design


    the game ....piece killer

    psychology vs philosophy

    beyond reasonable doubt ...contention reasonable alternative theory

    of mice and matter

    matter ing

    subjective objective absolute and universal


    fantasy fables and fairy tales

    delusions’ everywhere

    the selfish Jean B. Jerk

    the unmissed Martians

    Prime directive

    time and termination

    lost in white space

    bolders blunders and bullshit

    consumption reproduction cannibalism and addiction

    the net equation

    the unneeded need

    the desire dead end

    the molecule’s puppet


    the imposition

    an ounce of prevention is worth a pound cure ... endurance ...

    risk aversion

    forced entry in a negative lottery"

    There are also some transcripts of his efilist videos on

    DerivedEnergy also hinted at writing a book:

    "It would take a long time. I'd want to do the subject justice and I'd want to discuss multiple themes whilst citing many thinkers in a range of disciplines. I'd like to discuss 'extraterrestrial life', nihilism, many worlds theory, existentialism, religion, future technologies and risks, psychology, sociology, evolution, free will/determinism and several other issues at length whilst making it informative, engaging, humorous (dark) and analytical."

    In any case, I'd love to see more books about antinatalism (I'd try my hand too; can't write worth a damn, though :/)