I can't write on any topic I want. I can't really do that anymore. The problem with hypomania is that it gives you unrealistic standards of what you should be accomplishing. And now that I've been hypomania-free for what seems like decades (actually probably a year to a year and a half), I feel that those moments of joyous ecstatic insight will probably never come again. But, thanks to my general lack of concern for the world, I don't particularly care - it's more a nagging "Ha, look what you could have done if X". It again brings into question, of course, what this odd 'self' thing actually is, if nothing about me seems constant. And thankfully, to stop all my frantic searching, it is probably an illusory concept anyway - one that is deeply rooted in all humans. Not that that's a bad thing. It's probably something that spares the vast majority of people a lot of pain, knowing that the world isn't this horrible trap that forces you to go on with no safe haven to hide in. Though I could be wrong. A lot of people tend to think that having no self would rid them of their problems, especially Buddhists, I think. My lack of sense of self tells a different story, but it's possible that's just the mental illness talking. Maybe I am better off without a self, but in fact cannot feel the benefits, only the horrifying, HORRIFYING implications, because I am prone to anxiously thinking about things too much.
I would quite like to have a self. I can tell from observation that it isn't such a bundle of laughs - you feel a lot more pain. But at the same time, you feel a lot more comfort in yourself, and can do things automatically. I have seen other autistics. They do things automatically too. It's not my probable autism that's the cause for me having to think through every single movement, but it is most likely my lack of sense of self, which makes every moment feel as if it is the only moment that has ever occurred, and is hence the most painful moment that has ever occurred. Talking is supposed to be a fluid action. Only in the rarest, the RAREST, of cases is it actually this way for me. I have to plan and plan to decide what to say, because I have no self to tell me what I would normally say in such a situation. And this tends to make people think I am a quiet person, because I don't have enough time to decide a response to what they are saying.
The problem is with me saying this is that most people who DO lack a sense of self as I do seem to find it as a source of enlightenment. That's a really big difference. And I'd like to say "it's because they're brainwashed to think that", but probabilistically speaking, they're probably right. There are a lot more of them than there are of me, and moreover, I have never really had a self so cannot compare, while they have once had a self but used meditation to get rid of it (in most cases - some people DO just lose their sense of self), so can compare between the two states.
I still don't know where my self went.