Friday, 11 May 2012

Posting for the sake of Posting

I can't write on any topic I want. I can't really do that anymore. The problem with hypomania is that it gives you unrealistic standards of what you should be accomplishing. And now that I've been hypomania-free for what seems like decades (actually probably a year to a year and a half), I feel that those moments of joyous ecstatic insight will probably never come again. But, thanks to my general lack of concern for the world, I don't particularly care - it's more a nagging "Ha, look what you could have done if X". It again brings into question, of course, what this odd 'self' thing actually is, if nothing about me seems constant. And thankfully, to stop all my frantic searching, it is probably an illusory concept anyway - one that is deeply rooted in all humans. Not that that's a bad thing. It's probably something that spares the vast majority of people a lot of pain, knowing that the world isn't this horrible trap that forces you to go on with no safe haven to hide in. Though I could be wrong. A lot of people tend to think that having no self would rid them of their problems, especially Buddhists, I think. My lack of sense of self tells a different story, but it's possible that's just the mental illness talking. Maybe I am better off without a self, but in fact cannot feel the benefits, only the horrifying, HORRIFYING implications, because I am prone to anxiously thinking about things too much.

I would quite like to have a self. I can tell from observation that it isn't such a bundle of laughs - you feel a lot more pain. But at the same time, you feel a lot more comfort in yourself, and can do things automatically. I have seen other autistics. They do things automatically too. It's not my probable autism that's the cause for me having to think through every single movement, but it is most likely my lack of sense of self, which makes every moment feel as if it is the only moment that has ever occurred, and is hence the most painful moment that has ever occurred. Talking is supposed to be a fluid action. Only in the rarest, the RAREST, of cases is it actually this way for me. I have to plan and plan to decide what to say, because I have no self to tell me what I would normally say in such a situation. And this tends to make people think I am a quiet person, because I don't have enough time to decide a response to what they are saying.

The problem is with me saying this is that most people who DO lack a sense of self as I do seem to find it as a source of enlightenment. That's a really big difference. And I'd like to say "it's because they're brainwashed to think that", but probabilistically speaking, they're probably right. There are a lot more of them than there are of me, and moreover, I have never really had a self so cannot compare, while they have once had a self but used meditation to get rid of it (in most cases - some people DO just lose their sense of self), so can compare between the two states.

I still don't know where my self went.

8 comments:

  1. hat do you mean by "having a self", estnihil? What is a self to you?

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  2. A personality, a set procedure for doing things, feelings that I am not in constant flux. Mainly a personality, though, since my own tends to vary HIGHLY depending on who I'm talking to.

    It's not that I don't have a self. I may have been a bit (a lot) misleading with that. No one has a self. What matters is that I don't feel I have a self. Most people DO feel this, and hence don't feel the vast emptiness that I do. Even if the concept of a self is so ill-defined that no one can even be able to feel that they have one, the fact that I feel the things I do is pretty much characteristic of not having a sense of self (as far as I understand it).

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    1. I think many, many people do feel the emptiness. If they didn't, addictions and other escapist outlets wouldn't be so rampant.

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    2. It's not that. That's a direct result of me not having a self. I'm not saying the only way to feel empty is to not have a self.

      I don't have a personality. My personality varies depending on who I'm with. I don't feel any connection to what I say, and when I say something I inevitably have to think about it because I don't have anything to say that I know that 'I' would say in such a situation. And finally, I feel constantly that there is nothing holding me together, and that I am just a random assortment of emotions of thoughts unrelated to each other.

      Still, you're right about that emptiness part. A lot of people DO feel that, but I think it's more due to the lack of meaning or fulfillment that the universe provides, rather than having a lack of self (not that you're arguing that, of course).

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  3. Why would the meaningless of everything cause so much suffering? Life is meaningless but there's nothing sad or depressing about this.

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  4. meaninglessness*

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  5. The main way meaninglessness causes suffering (for me at least) is through making one confused about what to do. Between the moment you're born and the moment you die there's usually a lot of time and you HAVE to fill that time with something!

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  6. Meaninglessness becomes a source of suffering because one realises that all of one's activities and projects are nothing more than subjective attempts at distraction. A lot of people's pleasure in life comes from thinking that who they are and they do is 'meaningful' and 'important'. Once you've come to the conclusion that it's all just an attempt to distract oneself from the abyss, the pleasure drains away (for me, at any rate).

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