Wednesday, 9 May 2012

What is truly wasting my life?

A lot of what I do actively causes me pain. This is not surprising, given that I generally feel no pleasure (though recently I've been feeling a tiny bit more than that). This means that if I, like a lot of the more complex animals out there, want to minimise the amount of pain in my life, I effectively have to reduce those activities which cause pain. This is an incredibly stupid thing to say, since it's extremely obvious. However, I have included it for the simple reason that it isn't as easy as it sounds. To do so completely, I would have to completely turn my way of thinking around. No more striving for anything, much more sleep, less entertainment watching (pain caused from concentration and effort not balanced by pleasure of any sort), and more mindless pissing about on the internet.

It is ridiculous however how many protective mechanisms exist in my mind that prevent me from making this facile change to my current daily roster of meaningless crap. I really like sleeping. But on the other hand, I don't like its after-effects. By which I mean, "YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE" screams from my personal Jiminy Cricket, and a vaguely nauseous feeling that I will definitely regret doing so, even though living painfully and STILL accomplishing nothing is probably something I think I'd tend to regret more.

Am I trying hard enough? Am I REALLY set on changing my fundamental course in life, or am I just too afraid of change? I'd probably go for the latter. But even if I actively set out to remove my fear of becoming a "dirtbag", it's not just an on/off switch (or rather, if it is, it would be 10 metres wide and tall and thus difficult to push). But instead of obeying my views from another time and place, I think I'd better start pushing that gargantuan beast of a switch.

1 comment:

  1. Your honesty is like music.

    I have no answers to your questions but please keep writing.