Friday, 27 April 2012

...And Avolition too!

I used to be pretty driven. I could, uh, do things, and drive for a better future, even if no such future could ever possibly exist (which is most of the time, if we're being honest). I can't do anything now. Writing this is a horrible struggle that I do because I just have an inkling I'll regret not doing it. I can't convince myself to do anything at all, and the that prodding-me-with-a-pitchfork anxiety is no longer there to force me to do things. The last two days I spent sleeping entirely, with only a few hours reading things on the internet. This is not by choice - my depression is not that bad*, I am simply (a extremely tired and (b utterly and entirely unmotivated to do anything. Or at least, I may have the desire to do certain things, but no motivating emotions are present. There's nothing there. So I'm sorry if I haven't posted for a while, it's simply because I have no drive left to do anything - and besides that, even if I did have the necessary motivation to flagellate myself into blogging, I would be crippled by the fact that my depression has clouded my brain and made me a way shittier writer.

 But I'm alright overall. My life at the moment is probably better for me than for you, in that, you won't be seeing even dog testicle quality posts here for a while, if you're into bad quality posting that is. Or I could be wrong. Often saying this I run into the great Fuck You estnihil universal law, wherein the universe decides to make my life as hilarious as possible. I say I'll do this, I'll do that. It can't possibly get worse? It can. They like me? They really like me? Nope.

Writing more would be taking a nice long piss straight down your oesophagus, so I won't for now. Not until I actually have some idea of what I'm going to write that would actually contribute something. Goodbye for now.
*Not that bad for me. I still think about dying a lot, but most of the time I can just get through the school day in a haze, letting my subconscious mind take over.


  1. I hope you feel better soon.

  2. Second that, estnihil. Hope things are tolerable. And like 'avolition', hadn't heard that one before.

  3. Avolition is a psychological state characterized by general lack of drive, or motivation to pursue meaningful goals.

    I seem to have this at the moment.

  4. No-mind no-thought3 May 2012 at 15:28

    Thinking is a painful process, estnihil. Shut down your mind and all thinking and you may experience not "happiness", but relaxation.

    1. If I could do that, I would do that. It is incredibly hard to stop thinking entirely, which is why no one can reach Buddhist Enlightenment in a few days. Becoming an unthinking creature is the ultimate reason I exist, I think. It's why I sleep so much, and it's why I wish to use recreational drugs so much, and it's why I want to die so much.

      But thanks anyway for the conscious goal reminder, since I think I've been slipping a bit with regards to trying not to think. Meditation for some reason is doing nothing for me these days sadly, so I don't really have much to remind me to stick to my primary goal.

  5. Meditation is not something you do, estnihil. Meditation is non-doing. Meditation is what's left when everything else has gone: doing, thinking, ego, eagerness (aka greed, lust), everything, everyting.

    All ot these so called "meditation methods" about focusing your mind on your breathing etc are not meditation, they are mere means to an end. They may work for some individuals (although I for one have doubts) to help them break free from the whirlwind of thoughts, but for many others they don't work and are actually a source of confusion.

    Nobody and nothing can give you meditation. No amount of words, no amount of books read and no amount of doing this or that can give you meditation. You have to discover it yourself. And then you'll understand what Buddha and Osho meant. Then you'll be enlightened.

    Meditation is not thinking and creating mental concepts, It is feeling it, and actually not even this, but I can't find a more appropriate word. It's one thing to think "I'm feeling relaxed" and quite anoter to actually be relaxed. It's one thing to think that money comes money goes, good fortune comes and goes and there's no need to fret and be lustful (greedy) for transitory worldly experiences. It's quite another to fell it (without thinking it).

    I can try to hint you to a few possible start points (which have worked for me) and which might somehow bring up memories in you of a state of mind you might have experienced long ago (in early childhood, perhaps): Osho - you can find books in your library such as "Behind a tousand names" or you can even google for osho quotes on "no-mind". A little parable:

    You don't have to agree wih everything Osho, or I or any author says. Just take what you like and leave the rest. And do NOT idolize what you like, be it people, books, things, mental concepts ot whatever,

  6. Thanks Anon, I was reading "Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha", but I'll give Osho a try.

    Thanks again for all your help!