Monday, 19 March 2012

What does Social Isolation feel like?

Envision yourself, for some reason or other, bereft of all social skills. This is most definitely not a good thing. You may think at first, hey, well, other people are nice, maybe they'll go the extra effort to help me out when I do things wrong. No dice. This is not how things work, because we often don't see other human beings as people like us. We see characters in a play. We see villains, and creeps and most of all, we see the distinction: Good Person, Bad Person. How bad a person is really varies, and there are a lot of gray areas, but if you are one of the socially awkward people out there, you are most definitely not a person others want to be around. You are not a person they want to see saving the day. This is simply because lots of your socially awkward outbursts have contributed into an image of you in their brains - a dehumanising image. This is not the fault of other people - it is probably hardwired as a shortcut. You wouldn't want to start thinking a criminal is not a bad person, right? If you didn't, you might get harmed by them, say in a tribal early human community. Best to stay clear of them. Best to stay clear of suspicious characters. One such person, sadly, happens to be you.

The first thing you will notice as a socially less-then-perfect person is that odd feeling. It feels as if you are soaked to the skin with sweat in a clingy disgusting shirt, but worse than that, maybe that feeling times ten, if that's possible. That, my friends, is awkwardness. Every single conversation is awkward - partially through your scrambling to find words to make the other person feel good, but also partly because the person on the receiving end just wants to get away from you. If they don't, then they are a person who has great willpower, because it takes a lot to be nice to socially awkward people.

Eventually the awkwardness isn't limited to just conversations. It starts to seep through into the rest of your life - you start feeling it whenever people cluster together, and then when anyone at all is within a hundred metres of you. You begin to long for the past. Or if your past was like this, you simply detest your past and criticise yourself constantly over past mistakes. Which you probably can't learn from, not having an intuitive grasp of how social skills work. You hate the present, every moment, in fact, because every moment you are being socially isolated causes you pain, and every moment you are being socially included causes you pain, as you cannot maintain this. The future brings no joy either: although you have minor hopes of getting better at things, time and time again you have been proven wrong about this. All there is is agony and distraction and sublimation and such things.

But what about the future is bad, exactly? Ordinary relationships with people being hard for you to maintain, even ones with those who are misfits such as yourself, you will find yourself with an ever widening gaping hole inside you. Sexual relationships are worse: they bring an extremely large amount of pleasure, and you have little chance of attaining one, unless it is with some other tortured soul who happens to be like you (though this is incredibly lucky). You are missing out on some of the largest pleasure-sources in life, simply because you had the misfortune to be born this way, or to arrive this way through circumstances not under your control.

So what solutions are there? Accept it, practice social skills and fake a more attractive persona, or whore yourself out (act like a fool to get attention). The third method, by the way, works if you acknowledge your own crapness to people. Some people love to let go of their social inhibitions to attack the social retard, and it's okay if the outcast is also doing it, right? But the second method is probably the only one, I've found, that works to any noticeable effect. Despite leaving me utterly and soul-destroyingly empty. Though that might be the depersonalisation, or the lack of personality - I'll get to that in another post, maybe. Until then, bye.

2 comments:

  1. If it makes you feel any better (or less bad), I've found sex to be far less interesting than it's cracked up to be. I'd rather take care of myself real quick every now and then so I can spend more time in the better areas of life.

    If any of you smoking hot chicks out there want to change my mind about sex, feel free to contact me and maybe we can work something out. I have very little to lose.

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  2. Sex I could get easily, would just need to save up enough for a prostitute. Romance, that's something that's going to be hard to come by, and what makes me sort of annoyed is that it's said to be as if your brain is on drugs. I want drugs.

    Still, I don't mind that much. Social isolation isn't total for me anymore, though it definitely is for some people, as the post describes. I've learnt to fake a variety of responses, and that means I get maybe 5% of what everyone else is getting instead of 0% - which is a lot relatively. My main focus here is just the people out there that have felt this way or feel this way now.

    Thanks again for your comment!

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