Friday, 30 March 2012

I am living waste

http://utilitarianism.com/pinprick-argument.html
http://www.abolitionist.com/anti-natalism.html
David Pearce isn't so different, folks. I don't agree that we could ever make life a morally good action (if that's what he's saying), since there's no duty to create pleasure, but I'd agree that antinatalism's needs would be met if transhumanism were achieved, simply because the lack of suffering would result in being born being fundamentally neutral.


Burning pain this time. Sort of like my insides are falling out. But on the plus side, the anhedonia is showing signs of sort of letting up. I don't feel anything, but escapism is at least no longer painful, and music is, let's say, 'intellectually enjoyable'. I can't feel a damn thing but I can 'appreciate' that I should, and can differentiate between songs I would like and songs I wouldn't.

With me, I guess, it's not that I feel extremely bad depression. It's bad, but it's probably not the worst. It's that depression is all I have. My quite severe chronic derealisation/depersonalisation has essentially resulted in a lack of sense of self, and it is also means that as I have said, I behave in sociopathic manners when I interact with people (that is, adapting my personality to them), not out of malevolence, but because faking for so long has made me forget who I am, and the thing that comes most natural to me is copying the person I'm talking to. Rather badly, most of the time, due to the suspected autism. My depersonalisation is so bad that I often space out and think "I am really here right now?" or I have this indescribable feeling of being snatched away from one universe and placed in an entirely different universe and body and mind than I was currently in - this horrible one. Or I look into the mirror and can't recognise myself. And the thing is, when you suffer from 'blank mind' and you have no self to fall back on when times are tough, every little suffering is intensified. Everything makes me want to commit suicide, because I live every moment in a torturous present. Neither past not future can comfort me, because my 'self' has no concept of those things, being a disembodied randomised collection of thoughts and emotions. The only thing I really have that is stable in my life is my wish to die. Everything else changes so much over the course of the years, but the wish remains more or less intact as I go on. I have always been this way, apart from the wish to die. Since I can first remember I was incredibly spaced out - in fact, by most people's standards, I was pretty high. All I did was have this fantastic daydreams - most people have imaginary friends, I had a mythology of my own. But the point is, I was still a floating diffuse collection of thoughts. I was never under the impression that I had any sort of self. And while the self, I agree, in everyone is most likely an illusion, the fact that I have no such illusion is absolutely horrible. I see everyone walking around with their plans and their dreams and their preferences, and all I can think is that I am only copying them by saying I want their minds, or their lives. This is not what I truly think, because everything I think changes so often and I copy what I expect humans to act like. All I can really be justified in knowing is that I am trapped, and am forced to experience all this from a front row seat. I am in Hell's cinema, where no one may leave, and closing one's eyes only makes things worse.

Also, on another note, if you have noticed after a hundred or so blog posts, I am not very comfortable researching things and writing about them. There's the fact that it would require too much effort for it to be sustainable, and there's that I would always be second guessing myself. Research means evidence, and evidence might mean not enough evidence in favour of my side (without me knowing), and that would essentially mean humiliation, in my eyes. So more rants and thoughts from me, then. Sorry to disappoint.

10 comments:

  1. Estnihil, if it's any consolation, I've always felt like an empty person and have always put on an act with most people for all of my 35 miserable years. Only with a few people have I ever been honest about my real feelings about life and the human condition. When I'm alone my two recurring thoughts are "I'm an empty person and life is pointless". Everything else seems like an imposition and a pitiful attempt to distract myself from the horrible reality. More and more over the past year, I've felt that death will eventually come as a release.

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    1. Wow, I didn't know you felt that way about yourself, Karl. I feel exactly the same and am still struggling with finding out what made me the way I am (depersonalized, anhedonic, socially awkward, at times choleric, most of the time painfully turned inward, not able to hold down conversations, terribly depressed and so on). As I am living with my half-siblings, I suspect it is mostly genetic (father's side); I am afraid I am genetic scum. I also got bullied/regularly insulted throughout childhood though (school; now I am basically living in isolation), so that might have triggered something ... (I am also on medication, but it doesn't do that much for me -- existence is just too much to handle for me.)

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    2. Anonymous, I feel for you, buddy. I myself function fine socially, more or less. I'm regarded as affable and easy-going, but it's generally done as a way of deflecting attention away from myself. If I were to honestly tell people what I thought about things, I don't think anyone would talk to me ever again!

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  2. I feel for you Karl, you've lived almost twice as long as me under similar conditions. It's exactly like Sister Y wrote http://theviewfromhell.blogspot.co.uk/2011/03/why-dont-you-just-kill-yourself.html, I think. Thinking about the world, it is so easy to imagine as many ways as possible in which it could be better, but only a few ways to imagine it being worse, from a global perspective. So at least, we're not crazy in hating the world. If that's any consolation to you.

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  3. By the way, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this to you before, but you really should get Osamu Dazai's novel 'No Longer Human'. It is, in essence, a novelistic exposition of what you've written here. I'm sure you'd get something out of it, whether pleasure/satisfaction/the comfort of knowing you're not the only one etc.

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  4. Actually one of the reasons I have for learning Japanese is to read Osamu Dazai's works (though I'm sure most of them are translated already). I probably would possibly get something out of it, but I doubt it would be pleasure or comfort - I can read Zapffe or Cioran etc. and they do absolutely nothing for me, except make me tired. Not their fault of course, simply because I'm pretty much barricaded into my mind and I can't reach out and touch other things with it. I already had it bookmarked, so you must have mentioned it to me before, by the way.

    I'll probably try to read it, since I can't really do much else these days. Thanks for the recommendation!

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  5. This is fascinating - I've always thought that if I could somehow destroy my sense of self, I wouldn't suffer - like a brain operation, or drugs, or something. It sounds like you're saying you don't have much sense of self, but still suffer in exactly the same ways I do. Dear God!

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  6. Estnihil, you're an anime fan right? No longer human is featured in one of the episodes of Aoi Bungaku, pretty amazing and sad.

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  7. Yeah it's strange, I don't understand why I can still feel all this social pain and all this depression when my self is so weak (and I've heard about other people - especially buddhists and the like - who find not having a self to be a good thing). I suppose it's because I'm not enlightened, or something.

    Thanks anonymous! Will watch when anything makes me feel pleasure. Bit of a waste otherwise.

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  8. Hi estnihil,

    Since Dazai is in the public domain, not only is 人間失格 available for free online, there are also free audio book editions. My favorite one is the one you can download here:

    http://18.art-studio.cc/~koenoizumi/KOEwoTAYORINI_homepage/dazai-ningenshikkaku.html

    Her voice is really beautiful. Also, if you listen to the audio book, you don't have to worry about tricky kanji readings! Like Anonymous above, I also highly recommend Aoi Bungaku. Got teary when I watched it for the first time.

    Best of luck to you in your studies and life in general :-)

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