David Pearce isn't so different, folks. I don't agree that we could ever make life a morally good action (if that's what he's saying), since there's no duty to create pleasure, but I'd agree that antinatalism's needs would be met if transhumanism were achieved, simply because the lack of suffering would result in being born being fundamentally neutral.
Burning pain this time. Sort of like my insides are falling out. But on the plus side, the anhedonia is showing signs of sort of letting up. I don't feel anything, but escapism is at least no longer painful, and music is, let's say, 'intellectually enjoyable'. I can't feel a damn thing but I can 'appreciate' that I should, and can differentiate between songs I would like and songs I wouldn't.
With me, I guess, it's not that I feel extremely bad depression. It's bad, but it's probably not the worst. It's that depression is all I have. My quite severe chronic derealisation/depersonalisation has essentially resulted in a lack of sense of self, and it is also means that as I have said, I behave in sociopathic manners when I interact with people (that is, adapting my personality to them), not out of malevolence, but because faking for so long has made me forget who I am, and the thing that comes most natural to me is copying the person I'm talking to. Rather badly, most of the time, due to the suspected autism. My depersonalisation is so bad that I often space out and think "I am really here right now?" or I have this indescribable feeling of being snatched away from one universe and placed in an entirely different universe and body and mind than I was currently in - this horrible one. Or I look into the mirror and can't recognise myself. And the thing is, when you suffer from 'blank mind' and you have no self to fall back on when times are tough, every little suffering is intensified. Everything makes me want to commit suicide, because I live every moment in a torturous present. Neither past not future can comfort me, because my 'self' has no concept of those things, being a disembodied randomised collection of thoughts and emotions. The only thing I really have that is stable in my life is my wish to die. Everything else changes so much over the course of the years, but the wish remains more or less intact as I go on. I have always been this way, apart from the wish to die. Since I can first remember I was incredibly spaced out - in fact, by most people's standards, I was pretty high. All I did was have this fantastic daydreams - most people have imaginary friends, I had a mythology of my own. But the point is, I was still a floating diffuse collection of thoughts. I was never under the impression that I had any sort of self. And while the self, I agree, in everyone is most likely an illusion, the fact that I have no such illusion is absolutely horrible. I see everyone walking around with their plans and their dreams and their preferences, and all I can think is that I am only copying them by saying I want their minds, or their lives. This is not what I truly think, because everything I think changes so often and I copy what I expect humans to act like. All I can really be justified in knowing is that I am trapped, and am forced to experience all this from a front row seat. I am in Hell's cinema, where no one may leave, and closing one's eyes only makes things worse.
Also, on another note, if you have noticed after a hundred or so blog posts, I am not very comfortable researching things and writing about them. There's the fact that it would require too much effort for it to be sustainable, and there's that I would always be second guessing myself. Research means evidence, and evidence might mean not enough evidence in favour of my side (without me knowing), and that would essentially mean humiliation, in my eyes. So more rants and thoughts from me, then. Sorry to disappoint.