Sunday, 4 March 2012

Did you skim over this part?

Major Depressive Disorder is "characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities."
Because I did, despite having read this article a lot of times. Until I actually acquired anhedonia, I pretty much took it for granted that pleasure was always going to be something of a temporary relief in even the worst of depressions. Naïve, I know, but deep in my childish subconscious, I really did think that maybe I could have a chance at managing my depression if I just escaped from this pitiful sack of boiling intestinal juices world mentally. Now that I can no longer do that, I feel it's just another one of those times where I'm been convinced of something, only for reality to impale me with it.And the thing is, I'm barely even depressed now. Well okay, I am, but not as much as I was. Things aren't so much of a damn effort these days, even if they are still non-intuitive and boring to my (probably) aspie mind. I think I'm still feeling a lot of pain - if I just observe my mood for a couple of seconds, I can validate that pretty easily. But as it stands the medication I'm on seems to be pretty much forcing my mind to be completely unaware of that pain, and to forget that it even existed. It sort of sucks because to some extent that means it's only masking things, but on the bright side (I do not say that often on this blog), life is pretty much just a daze. No pesky bastard emotions injecting me with their toxic waste. Just nothingness and a low level residual ickiness, like I am wading through sewage. It's not a hard life. It's a life that's annoying because it could easily be better, but if I don't make that fatal error of comparing my life to other people's, then this is quite easily something I can just wait out before Thanatos rescues me. So in summary: I'm alright, as long as I can convince myself that little emotion is good.

Does depression make you expect a lot less of the world? Does it allow you to stop striving for fame and perfect happiness and love and such things, or are those things still included in the Special Package Deluxe Deal that is depression? I still get these fantasies of having my autobiography acknowledged after my death, but to be honest it wouldn't annoy me much if the world didn't really care if I had existed. It's not so much striving for fame, as wanting people to recognise that the world really pissed on me as a person.Not as much as other people, but it still did that, and I want to in some way tell the world "I hate you, too". But again, that's not the pain of a snipe-hunt. I don't think it is, at least.

Another ramble-a-thon again, sorry, I just sometimes need to let a post settle before I can fully address it - and one bad post is probably better than no post. Probably.


  1. the blue knight4 March 2012 at 12:21

    Oh yes, the drive for recognition. I was obsessed with it in my youth, too ... But in the end, the red giant will take care of our achievements anyway. The futility of existence is overwhelming. And then add being anhedonic and socially inept (and my low intelligence!) ...! Those running the simulation--in case it is one--sure are sadists.

  2. Are you absolutely sure you're not intelligent? You don't really seem that way to me from your comments. If you can get one, invest in an IQ test just to be sure that you aren't holding yourself back for no reason. Still, you know way more about yourself than I do, so I guess maybe I shouldn't be telling you what to do over the internet.

    In any case, is that simulation remark metaphorical, realistic or psychotic? As for the latter two, I quite like the simulation argument as a proposition, though I'm not entirely sure whether it works or not. Also, a delusion I had for a long time was that my life was a TV show (sort of a simulation) watched by aliens to make them laugh. They probably don't exist, but if they do, they are indeed sadists, as you say.

    Sorry if I'm not particularly warm when I'm speaking, I've never been very good at comforting people.