Saturday, 25 February 2012


Just had a revelation of sorts. Contrary to what my parents and psychiatrist think, and contrary to what I previously thought, my suicidal fantasies are no longer present not because I am 'getting better', or because I 'know better'. They are not present anymore, I've realised like literally a couple of minutes ago, because like with anything else, I cannot acquire pleasure from them. The thought of ending my life brings me no real lift in mood as it once did, not, again, because any antidepressant is 'blocking' negative thoughts, but because nothing provides an escape from this endless monotony but sleep.

In any case if you're wondering why I'm not posting about anything other than myself, it's simply because I'm unsure as to how I could do so. It's not that the well has dried up, it's simply that while the ideas are there, my brain  just doesn't respond when I ask it to do something. Possibly, when I look into things, it could be because I feel too 'fake' writing about such things...that I passionately believe in. The main reason I think however is simply experiencing another depressive episode. It's milder, what with the mood stabiliser and all, but it's pretty much making me unable to do anything but sleep the good sleep. That's the weird thing I'm finding. When I was full to the brim with agony, I still managed to get homework done and such, but now I am heavily tranquilised, as soon as a tiny bit of a detriment appears in my mood, I just can't do anything at all. Makes me think instead of being anhedonic without any significant depression, maybe I've got sort of a 'Masked Depression'

I always wonder if I'll really be able to work in the end. I've always been anxious enough that I got work done, even when in mucho grande pain, but again there's that element of 'School is important for the future! I must keep up or I'll get left behind! Don't want the stigma of a drop-out, that makes you mentally inferior. Don't want to be kept behind a year, think of how few friends you'll make'. With a job I really just don't know how much I'd be able to take before eventually just thinking about the easier way out - not THAT easier way out, but simply the benefit option. But then again, there is the freelance option, even if it socially wrecks me or I'm not really motivated enough for it. But it depends, really. If I remain without pleasure then it's pretty damn likely that there'll be little difference between home and work, in which case it won't really matter if I take advantage of my disability or not. If I get my pleasure back, I'm likely going to get a lot of pain back, especially social pain, in which case it probably would be a lot better for me to just quit and stay at home all day.

What if I get 'cured', you say? Well I'd respond to that that you can't cure autism and you probably can't inject 20ccs of personality into someone, but in the case that I can get so drugged up that I forget that social interactions will always be non-intuitive for me and that this makes everything such a bother, then I guess I probably could go on in said drugged-up manner, even if being social still seems so bloody fake. But I doubt it. I can't stomach-pump the red pill out of my body, and pretty much all my life when I wasn't spaced out, I was actively suffering.
I'm gunning for "Suffering so much at work I feel like I'll faint" getting me through this test. To be honest, the only reason I get through school anyway is because I'm interested in what I learn. Hours of similar boring crap with no real purpose and no added self-improvement? Count me out. Unless my job involves constant challenges (though something in computer science MIGHT), I don't think I could really stick it out.

But in reality I probably will force myself to get a job. I always end up forcing myself to do things that make me seem like a normal person, even if I never fool anyone.


  1. Thanks for sharing the thoughts you have about these things, it's nice to know there's someone else out there who is having similar experiences and thinking along the same lines. You write really well, it's always a good, thought-provoking read.


    Danny from New Zealand :)

  2. Heh, I never liked school. First off because of bullying, but also because they totally succeeded in destroying my passion for learning. I still have to repair the damage school did to me; maybe my whole life I'll be occupied by that. It is insane that this is _legal_. I can't believe it. Also can't believe that people still don't have better ways for learning than being basically locked aways kilometers from home (a lot for a child, at least it was for me; it got better with age) with strangers who don't even like each other, or form "groups" *shudder* This world is not made for me, never was. I wouldn't be so upset if an international right to die was in place, but as it is ...? What they are telling me is: "just suck it up", "man up and stop bitching!", "tough shit!" or: just kill yourself (inhumanely, brutally). Though sometimes they also say: "we can help you, just swallow these meds and let us lock yourself away for a certain period of time". Unfortunately, the latter never helped me at all, or at least not a lot; it didn't make the futility of existence go away. I do not want to be here.

  3. Thanks, Danny! Hope you're keeping alright

    To Anonymous:
    Bullying really made me lose respect for humanity - it was never just the fact that some people found entertainment in hurting me, but more that everyone else either approved of it or did not have the courage to help. And in most cases where I've talked to people, I've discovered it's been the former. No one likes a social retard. Disobey social norms and you will be punished to make you obey - regardless of whether you are able to or not.

    I agree completely with what you say - sometimes I think, if only my parents had taken me out of school, then I could have learned everything myself or with a tutor. The thing about society is, it wouldn't be all that hard to change things if you just got rid of the current mess and built your way up from scratch. But with the legislation in place to make everything so resistant to change, and the enormous amount of people who think 'I'm fine with it so everyone's fine with it', means that it is unlikely in the West we will ever see a change for the better until many years of suffering have passed.

    On a final note, I recommend you delude yourself - carefully. Join a sect that abstains from having children. Watch a lot of television. Anything that will make the pain more bearable (without making you do stupid things). Because if the pain becomes any worse, you might end up trying to kill yourself - and it's more likely than not in such a desperate state that you will not succeed, and will end up crippling yourself, causing more pain. I am currently in a situation where I cannot delude myself, and if you are in the same position, simply sleep more. Unless you have nightmares or insomnia, sleep is the ultimate cure for existence. It is extremely fitting how the Greek personification of Death, Thanatos, was the brother of the Greek personification of Sleep, Hupnos (Hypnus or Hypnos if you're latinising).