Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Painful achieving

As I said in the previous post, it's better than some people focus more on achieving goals if they want to become happy, while some should focus more on entertaining themselves. I also mentioned how those who are anhedonic particularly are an exception to this unknown quality, as nothing brings them pleasure. I'm not wrong about the pleasure thing, that's the definition of anhedonia, no, I'm wrong about all anhedonics necessarily having to be goal-oriented. How did I discover this, you ask? By personal experience in the last couple of days. Focussing entirely on my goals leads me to become deathly tired - at least if it's not my new medication, that is - and hence even though neither brings me any real pleasure and completing goals would help me out in the future, it is actually physically impossible for me to do so without putting myself to sleep. I can to some extent remedy this, though. Not everything is a goal, not everything is entertainment. For example, it is my goal to read depressing literature, including autobiographies and blogs. This basically qualifies as entertainment as well, and hence doesn't make me fall over into a shallow useless and even MORE tiring sleep. Check back with me, however, as my data isn't all that reliable just yet - my only real evidence is that as soon as I stopped doing maths and started playing Osu!, I suddenly stopped collapsing this way and that.

So I am basically destined to achieve the minimal amount I possibly can. That's alright, that's okay. I don't want this stinking universe anyway. But if it's any help to any of you constantly berating yourself for not achieving any goals you may have: it doesn't matter at all. You were thrown into a universe of ceaseless evils, and eventually you will die. Nothing really matters at all except our morality, simply because it is the collective aligned goal of every single human. It will last long after you are dead. Very little of what you achieve here will last even while you live. You can convince yourself that something matters to you, but you can just as easily convince yourself that it isn't. It isn't evolutionarily hardwired into you, and though your flawed perception at the moment may tell you that this long period of suffering is worth it in the end, it isn't, simply because what you are striving for is either unattainable or will not net you the happiness you seek.

If you seriously suffer from unattained goals and you are absolutely sure they will net you more suffering than pleasure, nip them in the bud and stop the madness. "But," you say, "happiness isn't what I strive for?". No matter what anyone strives for proximately, ultimately they always strive for happiness. That goal being achieved, what do you get from it? Happiness. That's what it feels like to you when you imagine achieving it. If it didn't, you most likely wouldn't do it. If it doesn't and you still MUST do it, then do it if you must, but make sure that first that that isn't a lie (and it probably is, you are not a robot), and second that you are not concerned that you are increasing the suffering in the world by making yourself suffer.

1 comment:

  1. the blue knight3 March 2012 at 05:12

    oh yes, the math ... stopped doing it nearly 3 decades ago (o levels) ... it haunted me in my dreams to the point of ... math anxiety? could be. in any case it tremendously increased my suicidality. ironically my friend went on to study engineering, while I went from odd job to odd job. why oh why is my intelligence so low? but I'm finished anyway. Keep them posts coming!