Monday, 6 February 2012

Emotions say the darndest things

I'm on a bit of a high right now as a result of an old goal-achieving method I'd devised starting to work again (I'll tell you about it if you want in the comments section, but otherwise I'll leave its workings by the side for the moment). While having this high I started to entertain myself with little thoughts of living forever, and how being immortal would solve all (read: one of) my problems i.e. not being able to achieve all of my goals while still being alive. And the thing is, this isn't a revelation to me. It's not a miracle that I've suddenly come round to wanting not to die. It's a little like adding water to a bunch of pebbles - the rock being my hatred of all things to do with life. On first glance it LOOKS as though a new substance has been created - which we may call rater, or wock, I don't care which - but when you put the mixture into a sieve, you still get pebbles, and the water drains away. Actually the water probably would have evaporated away anyway, if you hadn't been so hasty as to start declaring new chemical compositions all over the place.

What I mean by this long, painfully long, analogy is that, despite all the positive(ly shit), self-help blogs I've read, it's not pessimism that goes away once you start feeling better, it's happy thoughts that go away once you become depressed. They're not the same thing, in that, once you've been bitten by the pessimism bug, the pessimism doesn't go away. I am fully aware that my thoughts are flat-out bullshit during this slight high. It's not the other way round - I'm not starting to think that everything's hunky dory, and that I've been a fool all these years. So the argument, "You can't make a decision like that, you're not in a right state of mind", doesn't really make sense to me. I'd like people to have told me that when I was happy, to be honest, because that's when I normally make the absolutely worst decisions of my life. Being depressed DOES NOT MEAN YOUR SUFFERING IS AN ILLUSION. Suicidal feelings are just feelings. They can be right or wrong. But to be honest, as far as negative emotions go, I'd probably trust them a lot more than immortality-longing (antisuicidal?) feelings, given the unbelievably idiotic nature of the world. What I essentially mean here, with the vomit-inducingly quick turn of topic (or so you think?), is that, like I said in Mental Illness and the Right to Die, treating real concerns of real people who are really suffering as if they can be brushed away by the "You're not in the right state of mind" broom is horrible. Emotions should never be trusted alone, they're mental shortcuts developed through evolution. But slow and steady wins the race. So if someone says they are feeling suicidal, the act itself could easily be a wrong choice. But if they go into a euthanasia clinic, wait a year or two to make sure that they have thought it through, you really have no right to think that that person should be denied the negation of their suffering, just like chronic pain sufferers, just because the nature of their pain happens to be mental and not physical.

Am I trying to say that positive emotions are less true to reality than negative emotions? I may have touched on that, but it's more of a hunch than a scientifically and philosophically reinforced statement. I could cite the things that those suffering from Bipolar Disorder do when manic or hypomanic and later regret, but I'm not going to (though I just did).

Also I'm not sure I was clear enough on the antisuicidal thought business: if I had foreknowledge that the rest of my life would be spent in relative happiness - socially fulfilled, fulfilled by work, with clear goals, romantically fulfilled, sexually fulfilled and with a good source of income, then I would definitely take immortality (IF I DIDN'T AGE INTO A WRINKLED SCROTAL SACK ON TOP OF BONES PAST AGE 200). It's just, given my social shitness, general malaise about the world and slight misanthropy, those things are not going to happen. The annoying personality-less shell that I feel like most of the time also makes me depersonalise and dissociate, so if I did have all those things, I wouldn't even feel as if I were the one being fulfilled, if you catch my drift.  (Also there's that lack of point, thing. I think I'd constantly be asking myself whilst being fulfilled "What is the point of all these positive chemicals swirling about in my brain?". Though I'm not sure about that one.)

1 comment:

  1. once you've been bitten by the pessimism bug, the pessimism doesn't go away.
    Recently I happened to post something very similar on The Last Page. I doubt if anyone becomes a natalist back again after becoming antinatalist.