Apparently, there is no way at all I could have autism (or any other developmental disorder) given my childhood history, and general present abilities, says my psychiatrist. This was quite a...well it wasn't so much a revelation as much as an annoyance. When I was young I was just completely spaced out. I don't know if any other children were to that extent, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't what most other kids felt like, simply because they gave a crap about interacting with each other. I didn't. Now don't get me wrong here, it's not like I loved myself that much. I didn't really have any conception of myself at all, just like now - generally I'm guessing I probably would have been like other kids, have my imaginary friends not been ten times more interesting than them. But still, when I tossed those comrades in the trash, I found out that, for some reason or other, I wasn't exactly socially fit. Rituals and methods of interaction just sped right by me. Though from watching a lot of TV, I knew what most of them meant, and what to do when, I simply didn't do any of them because I really just didn't feel the need. I just didn't care at all. Now eventually, being friendless and alone, I did come to start pretending to be like other people, but that took a while to really become keyed into me. Still, even now, some things just don't come natural to me. I have to force myself to thank people, or to say please, for example. I just find all these rituals so damn empty and meaningless. The bulk of social interaction is not information exchange, as I once thought, it's actually a really pitiful kind of mutual masturbation. But since I am wired in such a way that I want that, I'm pretty much stuck having to kick myself into gear whenever someone starts talking to me. With the autism thing gone, I'm really at a loss at explaining why exactly this is. I'm thinking right now it's probably something to do with the fact that my life feels more like a movie than a video game - I forget I have to act sometimes to get results. And sometimes, I'm simply just so disinterested in what most people have to say I just can't be bothered putting up a front. But in case I'm wrong, I'm wondering if any of you have specific things you're not good at, socially speaking - small talk, formalities, teasing, making new friends. I'd hazard a guess and say that most of you don't even think about these things when you do them - they just come naturally to you. The difference is, really, they only come naturally to me when I'm interested in what other people have to say. When I'm not, my social functions just switch off, as if to maintain power. But you are antinatalists, and so it should be okay for me to expect that you have a lower tolerance for tedious crap than the average person. So, what I'm wondering really, is whether any of you have points where you simply cannot be bothered reacting in a socially acceptable manner - where you may have to force yourself to even try being pleasant to others. My hunch is that you don't, and the whole "Does thinking about things philosophically make people less tolerant of meaningless actions?" post can be binned before it's even started.
See also: Friendship and its Discontents